I’m not Catholic, but was about to attend a Catholic wedding. I was excited because I’ve heard fantastic stories about elaborate Catholic weddings. I was reminded of this by a very nice wedding we attended yesterday.
We arrived at church on time and were seated in the bride’s section.
The service started on time, but that’s the last thing normal about this wedding.
As the procession of bride’s maids ascended the alter, with the groom crying out loud (I kid you not!), the third one back tripped forward taking the first two down with her! As they were helped to their feet the groom was crying like a spoiled child who just lost his favorite toy.
He only got worse as the bride approached. I’ve never seen anything like it and it was all I could do not to LOL!
Then the good stuff started.
The priest was having trouble speaking through the coughs and loud throat clearing, so he sent an alter boy to get a handkerchief. Remember the priest is wired to a mic so we can hear everything, clearly. The alter boy returned with several napkins and the priest handed one to the flushed and crying groom saying, “I think you need this”!!!! LOL!!!
Then the craziest thing I’ve ever seen happened. After saying a few words the priest turned and ran out of the sanctuary! WTF I thought as I’m nearly crying from holding my laughter back.
Within seconds we start hearing the worst sounds coming from a human that you can imagine.
It turns out the priest was making his way to the bathroom when he started blowing things out of his body in the vestibule! He eventually made it to the bathroom where the blowouts continued in HiFi through the church’s speaker system!
One minute, two minutes, three minutes, the time just keeps ticking and he keeps blowing up in there in full surround sound, echoes and all, until we hear some words, “Ghe fa-ur fi****”.
“Ghe fa-ur fi****!”
“What? “I can’t understand you.”
“GET FATHER FI****!!!”
“Oh, ok.” Well, everyone in the church knows who’s coming to fill in. LMAO!!!
I don’t know how much more time went by that we had to listen to Pompeii Round Two in the bathroom, but it wasn’t discovered until the organist came in and started playing a tune, or five or ten. She probably only noticed because he wasn’t in rhythm with her, but she did turn his mic off at some point. Halaluea!
Father Fi**** finally showed up and my thoughts on Catholic weddings had changed by now, but Father Fi**** had one more trick up his sleeve for us, the bride’s name. Not one time did he get it right. The poor bride corrected him twice, the groom finally straightened his baby ass up and corrected him once, as did the matron of honor. They gave up.
To the credit of the bride and groom, they both were good natured about it by the time they got to the reception. But DAMN, Catholic weddings ROCK! ROTFLMAO!!!!