My wife, son and I were just hanging out in bed enjoying each other’s company earlier, my two-year old son’s head on my right shoulder. We’d had a nice family day and a very nice meal at Outback Steakhouse on Laskin Road earlier, so we were in slow motion by early evening. Playtime had come and gone, bedtime was fast approaching.
As we were relaxing my wife told our son she was going to change his diaper. A necessary chore, but one he despises.
He said “no” and turned his head from left to right, never lifting it off my shoulder. He was being playful about it. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw his left heel begin to rise. I’m pretty sure I knew what was coming next, but I was helpless to stop it. Paralyzed by the terrifying sight.
I swear his foot reached a height I couldn’t have imagined. Then, as if commanded by a general, his foot came ripping down from what seemed the ceiling, smashing squarely down on my right testicle like a pile driver working overtime at Town Center. Thud. No, make that THUD! Not bang, not boom, not even crunch. Just THUD!
Now you have to excuse me from this point because much of this is fuzzy, but I’ll be as accurate as possible.
I crunched up in a fetal position in anticipation of the inevitable pain that would rise from below, one hand on what now must be a flat testicle, afraid to move for fear of something falling out of my pants, afraid to squeal like a scared girl. My other hand was just suspended in the air where it was when the aerial assault began, suspended in time.
I remained prone in this position for what seemed like 10 minutes, but it was mere moments. Yes, the pain was growing, rising, engulfing my midsection and spreading. I think my right leg went numb. My eyes maybe rolling around in their sockets.
As pain changed to numbness I became aware of my surroundings and myself. My jaw was clinched tight and about 2 inches out of alignment. My forehead and nose were so scrunched up they must have resembled raisins. (Yes, I get the metaphor…) Muscles were sore from being held tight.
Then I noticed the bed shaking ever so slightly. I looked over to my wife for sympathy and I swear she was LAUGHING! Not chuckling, LAUGHING!!! AND she’s changing the boy’s diaper! WTF?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! My junk was as flat as an IHOP pancake and she was laughing!!!
I turned away, seething, but there’s nothing that could be done. The fact is, we guys pretty much go dead when kicked like that. We just hold on to our important parts and wait for the pain to come, then for the pain to leave, and during that time we pray for everything to work properly when the cycle is complete.
Only time will tell.